Buddha sighed and picked up the dice.
“Please God, give me a three,” he whispered.
“I heard that!” replied Jesus. “Spoiler alert: No such luck.”
Buddha rolled his eyes. Leave it to the omniscient to remind everyone of their powers every chance they got. Nirvana bestows basically the same levels of all-knowingness, he thought, but you don’t see ME winning Powerballs just to show off…
“Heard that, too,” Jesus added, giving a knowing smirk.
Buddha smacked the table.
“Damn you! How can we play dice if you know how it’s going to end??” He shook his head in disgust.
Jesus leaned back and laughed.
“Calm down, ya big goof. I can’t see games of chance. That’s a no-no from the big man.” He gestured vaguely upwards.
This made Buddha smile, because there was no up or down where they were now. Spend 30-odd years on Earth and you can’t help but pick up local habits, he supposed.
Buddha squinted his eyes. “Fine, here I go.”
He shook the three dice in his hand and tossed them onto the table.
“Oh hell yeah!,” he whooped. Two threes and a two. A very strong start.
Jesus crossed his arms and guffa—

The Black Plague dissipates in Europe and a new age of enlightenment dawns.


—wed.
“Yeah, well…” he spat, swiping the dice off the table and shaking them in his cupped hands. He brought them to his face.
“Please, uh…me,” he said, giggling in spite of himself. He couldn’t help it; it was always funny. “Give me a one.”
Jesus tossed the dice gently and stared: two fives and a two.
Fuck. He grimaced and shook his head.
“Oh ho HO!” bellowed Buddha. “Who’s omniscient n—

Smallpox reaches the North American continent

—ow??“
Jesus brushed him off and looked over at Krishna, who sat hunched over the table, twirling the peacock feather in his lustrous hair.
“Can you believe that? Twelve! Kill me now,” groaned Jesus.
Krishna smirked.
“Why,” he asked, “so you can come back in three days for another shitty roll?”
Buddha flung back in his chair and cackled like a hyena. He shot forward and pointed a finger directly into Jesus’ face.
“See? See?? I told you he was funny, didn’t I??”
He slapped his knee, thoroughly satisfied with how this game was shaping up.
Jesus scowled. He pushed the dice over to Krishna.
“Whatever. It’s your turn, K.”
Krishna absently blew a strand of hair out of his face and picked up the dice one by one. He didn’t bother whispering a prayer to any of his compatriots—how the hell could he possibly choose who to pray to? Best to lean on dumb luck, that was his thinking.
He tossed the dice:

One three and two ones.

Oh shit—a tie! With Buddha!
“Damn it,” Buddha hissed.
Krishna beamed. He hadn’t had a roll that good si—

The Montreal Protocol is signed, beginning the healing of the ozone layer.

—nce that best-of-three tournament with Thor. He remembered Thor charging the dice with electricity and howling every time Buddha got zapped.
“Ok,” said Krishna, leaning in and locking eyes with Buddha. “Are you ready??”
Buddha feigned an uncaring gaze. Inside, though, he panicked. If Krishna wins I won’t hear the end of it, he thought, dejectedly. In a previous game, Krishna won and proceeded to lord it over Buddha for nearly three million Earth years. Functionally, this didn’t mean anything as they all existed outside of time. But it was the principle of the thing that got under his skin, you know?
Sometimes Buddha found himself yearning for simpler times, before he met any of these supercilious fools. The Bodhi tree was out there somewhere, waiting for him with its comforting shade—unless some asshole had gone and chopped it down for firewood. Exceedingly possible, he thought, given humankind’s track record.
But that wasn’t important now. Buddha gingerly picked up the dice. He closed his eyes, aware that any prayer would get mercilessly mocked by Jesus. He opted instead to enter a state of complete Zen.
“Oh you bitch,” said Jesus. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t read Buddha’s mind when he was in his Zen state. It drove him mad.
Buddha cracked a grin but kept his eyes shut. He drew forth as much ethereal energy he could muster and channeled it into his enclosed hands. In one smooth motion, he tossed the dice.
Krishna sat forward, eyes wide with anticipation.
Jesus leaned back and and clenched his teeth.
Buddha opened his eyes:

One six and two fours.

“NOOOOOOOO!” Buddha shouted as he shot up and spun on his heels. Fuck this game, he thought.
Jesus let out a dramatic sigh that turned into a haughty and condescending laugh. Krishna joined him.
“Ohhhh man,” said Jesus, wiping a laugh-strewn tear from his cheek. “Earth is gonna get SO fu—

Donald Trump is elected President of the United States